Tag Archives: jokes

Broken Scrotum

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A woman named Jill stood up at her church’s Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

“I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum.” The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

“Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he’s in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can’t lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion.

I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new. A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, “There but for the grace of God go I.”

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: “My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum.

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Bill of Rights

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-------------------------
Bill of Rights
-------------------------

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated
exchange during a trial. The judge asked both
lawyers to approach the bench.

"Your Honor," said Bob, "I objected because my
distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the
witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the
Bill of Rights."

"Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart."

Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now?
Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says
you can't even tell me the first few words."

Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and
began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

"Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money from
his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."

-------------------------
Busy Bus Stop
-------------------------

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a 
bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.  As the bus stopped and it 
was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too 
tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step 
of the bus.  Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile 
to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a 
little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to 
unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the 
step, and, once again, and much to her chagrin, she could not raise 
her leg.  With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind 
to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her 
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 
"How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."

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Country Politics
-------------------------

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when 
suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. 

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he 
dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local 
sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where 
all the politicians had gone. 

The old farmer told him he had buried them. 

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?" 

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you 
know how them crooked politicians lie."

-------------------------
The Ring
-------------------------

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
special."

At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young
lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no
money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Don't mess with Old People.

-------------------------
The Cruise
-------------------------

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for 
himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships 
were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but 
that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get 
them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such 
a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy 
Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book 
a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned 
to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was 
delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The 
guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three 
more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm 
not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep 
doing it?"

Smart Alex

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-------------------------
Smart Alex
-------------------------

Alex was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license
and registration?" Alex said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So Alex replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."

The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his drivers license
and registration.

Alex said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"

Alex laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.

The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. Alex agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.

The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."

Alex looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."